A beautiful escape

For sometime now I’ve been hiding from this space. It wasn’t something that happened deliberately. Real life was happening so quickly and I’ve been experiencing so many mood swifts it was almost impossible to keep up a steady rhythm. Choosing to deal with it by freezing (online) time, standing still in a virtual space was the only thing that reasoned with me. It gave me plenty of time to organize my thoughts and face my fears.

 A wonderful thing was unravelling before my eyes, making me so happy and so fragile at the same time. You see I’m expecting in June our first child and as wonderful these news are they didn’t come without worries. Childbearing is a miracle in nature, an act of wonder and awe but minor flaws do happen and then it should be treated with extra care and lot of respect in order to be delivered properly in full glory and purpose, resulting in the birth of a baby. My whole living routine needed to be rearranged to accomodate this new life scheme. Remarkably, I was utterly ready to give up any work schedules, social commitments or any other type of typical obligations and surrender myself to this purpose. Most days are spend solely in bed and my only distraction is books and my view. I daydream to keep ugly thoughts away, I look at the sky and imagine…

Outside my balcony there is an almond tree and its beauty is my daily inspiration. I’m fortunate because I’m able to witness its rebirth. The winter slowly gives its place to spring and beaten up wood turns to blooms. Myriad pink and white flowers are covering every inch of its cracked body and turn a sore into a feast for the eyes. It’s power to be reborn gives me strength and hope. Looking at this tree, makes me feel reassured and balanced even if to someone else, only the mention of being constantly remote and unable to work or do whatever enjoys doing, would raise thoughts of disappointment and anxiety. My, it wasn’t always like that, you know. If you asked me a few years back about children I would have mindly grasped the answer that one should weight carefully  the prons and cons according to their working expectations and life plans. Not even to think about stalling my pace and easily accepting a routine that mainly consists of an absence of any type of action. All this changed within seconds.
Life has a mysterious way of imposing us its wishes and honestly I can’t complaint a bit. Sure, it’s difficult. And hard. One of the things I had to give up was this online diary. It was already so overwhelming IRL that keeping up with a virtual reality where none of this mattered felt plain wrong and stupid. So, I chose to freeze my virtual time until it felt right to be here again. I chose to concentrate first on my well being, mentally and physically, especially now that someone else was fully depending on it. The mind can play foolish games at all times but the thought of a healthy child is stronger than anything! I put up with everything and still it feels like I’m not doing enough. I want to overcome all the difficulties before me and reach the end of this journey as a champ because this end would only be the beginning of something greater we call life!


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